May 3, 2025
What would you do? Mothers & Dementia
Each week, hundreds of newspapers around the world publish reader feedback on a range of questions.
Last week the Dutch newspaper de Volkskrant asked ‘what would you do’ about your mother and dementia.
This is what the readers said …
My mother (over 80, highly educated) sometimes communicates in such a way that her children think she is starting to suffer from dementia.
The GP does not think so. He compares her to others. She has always said that she wants euthanasia if she develops dementia, but does not want to make a euthanasia declaration. She thinks that the note the GP made in her file years ago is sufficient.
When I bring this up, she says she has done everything she can. If I insist, she seems to think I want her to die. If I give up, she may be too late to carry out her wishes. Woman (50), name known to the editors
I am familiar with this problem
As a SCEN doctor (Support and Consultation on Euthanasia in the Netherlands) and former general practitioner, I am familiar with this problem.
It is very good that your mother has already made a note with her general practitioner. Tell your mother that it is wise to confirm this regularly with her general practitioner.
And that you are discussing this with her because you want her to be able to end her life as she wishes.
But then she does have to take the necessary steps. Wim Benneker (71), Garmerwolde
The best we can do
My mother had clearly laid out her wishes in documents from the NVVE (Dutch Association for Voluntary Euthanasia, ed.), but when she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, we couldn’t do anything with them.
She denied that she was demented and didn’t want to die at all. We more or less forced her to move to a secure ward.
There she ‘went to work’; she was a nurse in elderly care and was reasonably in her element. But in the end, she wanted to go home every day because her husband (my father) was waiting for her there. He had been dead for twenty years.
When she had a stroke and then pneumonia, we were able to act as she would have wanted.
Perhaps a treatment ban and a medical power of attorney are the best we can hope for.
I wish you much strength. Tecla Boonstra (64), Amsterdam
Pushing boundaries
A written statement is not even a legal requirement and does not entitle anyone to anything if someone is no longer capable of making decisions. A request that is repeatedly expressed in the present is the most important thing.
Dementia is a process that takes years.
After the diagnosis, people remain mentally competent on this subject for at least several months, during which time they can still make arrangements if they wish.
It is not unusual for people to change their minds and push their boundaries.
This is often difficult for loved ones to deal with. Beatrijs Boersema (50), general practitioner in Berghem
Stopping eating and drinking
Our mother (Miep, aged 90+) also started to show signs of dementia. It was fairly mild.
My sister and I spoke to our mother and the GP together. Everything was neatly arranged for euthanasia and signed.
Later, she started having nightmares that remained ‘real’ when she was awake. This continued until it became too much for her.
But euthanasia was out of the question, according to her modern and kind GP.
One day, Miep made her decision: to stop eating and drinking.
We stayed with her 24/7 to support her in her decision.
Those were beautiful days with a surprising amount of joy, until she was given a small dose of morphine after five days to help her sleep. Bart van Beek (65), De Meern
Struggled
My mother (99, highly educated) had had her euthanasia declaration with a dementia clause ready for decades. Ending up in a nursing home with dementia? Never.
She was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, but still enjoyed the little things in life so much that I found it very difficult to discuss euthanasia.
Just like in your case, it would feel like I wanted her to die. I struggled with this a lot.
After caring for her at home for five years, she has been living happily in a nursing home for four months.
She is looking forward to her 100th birthday and enjoying life.
I doubt she even knows what euthanasia is anymore. Tita van der Pot (59), Ede
